i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
