the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
