Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
