we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
