I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
