my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
