i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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