I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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