just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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