My first STD was from a foam party
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize