when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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