May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Randomize
