got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Randomize
