I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
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