I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
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