just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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