There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
