i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
