shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just want nice things and good sex
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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