how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
