i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
