it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Randomize
