the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
