Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you would pick up someone in the library
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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