She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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