Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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