a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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