In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
