how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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