Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
