can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
