Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
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