I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
