I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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