I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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