Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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