I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize