My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
