So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
