Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
