think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
