How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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