Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
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