Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize