I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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