Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
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