Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Found the puke drawer
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
