i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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