what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
