4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
