I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize