At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
