Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
where are my eyebrows?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize