Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
