Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Randomize
