Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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