Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
