She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
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